The Doozy On The Boozy And Gettin' Gay With Gay

I'm making a new rule for the blog. If you've been writing four straight blogs by yourself, you're allowed to use your name on the fifth one. So I'm not coming to you as the Boozy, but as Doozy.

I apologize for the four weeks of nothing at The Boozy. This tends to be the month where most people ignore the NBA anyway amid the excitement and sheer media dominance of the NFL playoffs. The Boozy was yet another victim, however I've been watching as many NBA games as I could. The highlights (or lowlights for me) have definitely been the "slump" that the Celtics have had this month--The Boozy has personally been witness to the two losses in a row by the Washington Wizards (yet we didn't write about it... why?) as well as the losses to Charlotte and Toronto. Marc Stein is nice enough to keep the C's at number one in his ESPN power polling, but that's just because the other powerhouse teams are doing just as bad. Detroit's slipping, and despite the resurgence of the Spurs and the steady might of the Mavs and Suns, they still have way more losses than Boston. This is what Michael Wilbon calls the "dog days of January" where good teams do bad against the okay and mediocre teams. After the All-Star break, things should go back to normal. Until then, we have reason number two why we haven't written in four weeks--the teams are playing sloppy in the NBA.

The last thing I tried to write about was a blog about the triple-header from Monday, starting with what MLK meant to me and how I see his impact in the world. However, EZ came over during the first game and I switched from being writer to being host. Plus, it's tough to watch the games when you have Rock Band in the place. So EZ sort of blocked me from writing another blog. However, EZ has totally redeemed himself because he gave me a reason to write today.

This morning, EZ passed along a link to a YouTube clip of Rudy Gay asking viewers to post up dunk videos onto his profile (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3FbX-17iOY). Since Gay was asked to be in this year's dunk competition (I refuse to preface the dunk contest with its sponsor since every other media guy does it anyway. Instead, I'll present it as a question--Who wants a Sprizzite?) he's looking to the Internet to find which dunks he should use, and promises to use at least one dunk from the fan responses. My suggestion to Rudy, from one Connecticutter to another? Don't do it.

I've personally looked through all responses so far and they're terrible. Half of the clips involve white guys under six feet tall doing straight dunks on lowered hoops. Really awful. But instead of giving you a general idea, I thought it would be fun to go through specific videos and criticize them one by one, starting at 30.

I also have video responses numbers 31-34, but I'm ignoring them because one is an okay dunk, two are over the time limit (Gay asks for thirty seconds) and the other isn't a dunk at all. It's actually a clip of three 12-year olds tackling one another. It's terrible and disturbing at the same time. Where are the parents? Anywho, let's get this started.

#30 - The viewer prefaces this with "Rudy if you use this dunk you will get a perfect score[.] It's my signature and no one is doing it! You can search all day on YouTube and you'll never see this!!!" Apparently the kid's name is Shadow, which makes absolutely no sense (he's the palest dude I've ever seen). It starts with eight-year-olds cheering from the bleachers (bad sign--you know they didn't pay for tickets) followed by a pretty anticlimactic dunk. He does an alley-oop pass from behind his back and does a straight dunk. Come on, Shadow! Finish with a double pump or a spin or something! I would say about 90% of the NBA players can do that dunk, no problem. Even Brent Barry.

#29 - Speak of the devil! This guy calls himself "young Brett Barry." Bad sign #1: He compares himself to a player who doesn't dunk. Bad sign #2: He misses the dunk. Moving on.

#28 - This guy not only does a few dunks, but powers up with the great taste of Sprite! Although it looks more like an audition tape to be one of the guys who sinks in the court/pool in those Sprite commercials, the dunks he performs are rudimentary at best. Very basic stuff--bounce the ball to the board and do a straight one-handed or two-handed dunk. Try drinking water. Better yet, drink some beer. I'd rather see you do this drunk.

#27 - This guy actually pulls off some decent dunks. The only problem is I can't figure out where the dunks come from. He keeps cutting out the shots of the ball going up, only showing the dunks themselves! How is Rudy supposed to know what to do? You inconsiderate boy! Give us the uncut version! Also, the guy forgot to dribble on the first dunk. I'm pretty sure that's not allowed in the dunk contest.

#26 - Two-second clip from "FeyRegy aka Flight21" where he does a straight two-handed dunk. Lame. moving on.

#25 - Looks like a movie taken from a cell phone. The best part is after the dunk where the guy puts his hands down his pants. Rudy should definitely consider this for the dunk contest. How about after a tomahawk slam he reaches in his shorts and simulates masturba-- nevermind. The dunk sucks. Moving on.

#24 - An interesting trailer for some low-budget documentary about Pakistan. Great, but there's no dunking. Ugh. Moving on.

#23 - A great montage of NBA dunks. But that's it. Moving on... again...

#22 - By far the best clip. Team Flight Brothers shows us a montage of really interesting dunks. It looks like they give Rudy one hell of a selection to choose from. I prefer the reverse-honey-jar dunk that happens towards the middle of the clip. The ball just sort of rests on the guy's head after the dunk when he's hanging. I'm sure that's some form of offensive goal tending. At the end they say they can't reveal their best dunks. Why not? When's the next time I'm going to be watching The Flight Brothers? Never? Give us some more already!

#21 - The guy pulls off a nice under-the-leg dunk. Good for him, bad for Gay. He needs something flashier than this. Plus, the slo-mo he uses is really weird. It starts really slow then speeds up at the end. Imagine if in Street Fighter II the game went FASTER when you landed a punch instead of slower. That would be silly. about 99% of you didn't understand that last joke. I apologize.

#20 - White guy, white dunk. Moving on.

#19 - Are those hoops regulation size? After a montage of straight-up dunks on shallow boards, the clip ends with a baby dunk followed by the words "you're welcome." Who are you kidding? How about less pitiful showboating and working on your sorry game? YOU'RE welcome.

#18 - Jeremiahbfox asks, "Do we really need to call it 'Rudy's Gay Dunking Fucking Shit?'" Ten bucks says this guy never watches basketball. Plus he doesn't have a dunk to show us. Waste. Of. Space.

#17 - Okay, I don't think this guy's dunk will be used (he misses, for one thing), but it's by far the funniest clip I've seen so far. This is how I imagined Yi JianLian's rookie season to be like. Missed dunks on a clear lane to the basket. Let's see this guy do the dunk with some chairs out there.

#16 - Another white guy dunk. Good for him, bad for Gay. Moving on.

#15 - Neat reverse dunk. It wouldn't have even been cool in the '87 dunk contest.

#14 - See #16.

#13 - Okay, I guess numbers 13 through 15 came from the same guy--Billy Doran. This guy gets The Boozy's inaugural "So I guess white men CAN jump" award for 2008. Impressive, but not Gay impressive (oh boy, here come the Gay jokes).

#12 - Nice couple of dunks from rural America. By nice I mean mediocre by Gay standards. I can't watch all four minutes of it, and I'm sure Rudy can't, either.

#11 - We get to see the same straight forward alley-oop dunk on a short board three times! At least we have proof that lame dunks aren't limited to the white population. And why does it have to always be about color?

#10 - Butterbean dunks! Moving on.

#9 - I've gone two minutes into this and all I see is a guy in a gorilla suit walking around his frat house. Moving on.

#8 - Check out the first dunk in the clip. The dude does a forward flip into a dunk. I've never seen anything like that. Is that even legal in the dunk contest? Does anyone care? Does Rudy even care? Use this dunk, please!

#7 - Nice dunk, but it's nothing without a flip. I'm still not over that last one.

#6 - Ugh. See #16.

#5 - I waited forty seconds to see a 360 dunk and some foul language. Whoopie. Moving on.

#4 - T511Bailey gave us numbers two through six. Oh, and this dunk is mediocre.

#3 - Guess what? I already responded to this when I did #16.

#2 - Are you kidding me? IT'S THE SAME DUNK AS #3!!! WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL?! None of this is good enough for Gay. Not by a long shot.

And the number one response is... deleted. For some reason. Weird.

I guess the lesson here is that white men can't jump, dunk videos work better with groups and nobody can touch the quality of dunks that we have in the NBA. Now let us never speak of this blog ever again.